Miss Nostalgia is a fervent Candy Candy fan, a great friend and a wonderful writer, whose permission we have acquired to post her stories here and share them with the readers of B2R forum. I hope you will all enjoy them as much as I have. Thank you very much Miss Nostalgia.
The blond girl was standing in the train that was taking her back to Chicago. She was watching the couple she had just given her seat to. How happy they looked, a family with a lovely baby. How much she would have wanted to live like this with Terry… To become the mother of his child…Terry… She had not stopped thinking about him since the train had left New York.
She felt feverish and guessed she had caught a cold after all the time she had spent walking in the snow. She felt hot and decided to go outside for some fresh hair. She opened the wagon door and stood on the platform. She looked into the night and saw Terry’s face among the stars, smiling his lovely smile.
“The hope to see you again kept me going… But now, what am I going to do?” she thought, letting the tears she had been trying to hold back flow freely. She was holding on to the railing, looking down at the tracks. The cold wind was beating her face. She wondered how it would feel to jump off the train, would the pain stop?
Everything went black.
She was standing in the snow when she heard music. It was coming from Stear’s happy box. And there was Stear, holding the box. She came to him:
“Well, I should have known that it was going to be just like all your other inventions. It did not work; it did not bring me any happiness, quite the opposite.”
Stear laughed and disappeared.
She then smelled the scent of roses. She looked up and saw Anthony holding a bouquet of white roses, Sweet Candy. All of a sudden, they turned red: they were not Anthony’s roses but Terry’s, the ones his fans threw at him the night of the King Lear performance. Terry was in the coach, going away. She ran after him.
“Don’t go Terry, Don’t go!” she screamed. She fell and was surrounded by petals of red roses. Then…
“Candy! Candy wake up! Say something!”
Candy opened her eyes.
“Oh, Annie!” she said weakly.
“You finally came to. How do you feel?” asked a concerned Annie.
“Where am I?”
“At the Andley’s mansion in Chicago. They found you unconscious on the train platform.”
“Why did they bring me here?”
“Because of the letter that was in your suitcase.”
Annie was busy pouring water in a glass, her back turned to Candy.
“Terry’s invitation,” Candy murmured, her eyes filling up with tears.
“The doctor said you were lucky, you could have caught pneumonia.” Annie turned around, the glass of water in her hand. “I must say you did …” She interrupted herself mid-sentence, seeing her friend was crying. She put the glass down on the side table and sat on the edge of the bed.
She took Candy’s hand. Candy squeezed it and cried harder.
“What happened Candy? I knew something was wrong when Archibald called to let me know he had brought you back home from the train station. We were not expecting you so soon.”
“Oh Annie…. It’s…. It’s over, Terry and me…” She could not say more, her tears had doubled in intensity. The memory was too painful.
“Candy, sweetie….” Annie took her friend in her arms. Candy’s cries grew louder. She could not be as brave as she had promised Terry to be.
Somebody knocked on the door.
“Not now!” said Annie in a commanding tone Candy had never heard use before.
They stayed like this for what seemed an eternity and once Candy had no more tears to shed, she told the whole story to Annie. By the end, both of them were in tears.
“Candy… I…”
“Don’t, Annie, there is nothing to say. I did it to myself, didn’t I? That’s what really hurts. It is my own doing, my own decision. I have nobody to blame for it but me. I’ll have to learn to live with it. ” She was slowly regaining her composure.
She drank from the glass on the side table.
“You are too hard on yourself. It is not your fault. ” Annie objected when somebody knocked on the door again.
“It must be Archibald and Patricia. Do you want to see them?”
“Yes, of course! But please Annie, don’t tell them anything. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me.”
“As you wish,” she replied. Candy would never cease to amaze her. How could she be so strong? In her shoes, she would have jumped from that train… “Come on in,” she said.
“Candy!” Patricia came running, visibly shaken.
“Patricia! Archibald!” said Candy, a smile instantly forming on her face.
“Candy, I’m so happy you finally woke up! You got us worried!” Archibald said.
“There’s no need to be. I’m fine as you can see.”
“Candy…” Patricia said, sounding more distraught.
“Yes? What’s the matter?”
“It’s awful! I would have never thought it would end that way…” Patricia threw herself crying on top of Candy’s bed.
Annie and Archibald looked ill at ease.
“So they know… They must have overheard our conversation…” Candy thought. “They know it is over between Terry and me. I need to show them I’m brave, since I promised Terry I would be.”
“Come on Patty,” she said aloud, in her most cheerful voice. “Don’t cry. Look at me? Am I crying? I know it is sad but what can we do? That’s the way life is…” she hated how false she sounded.
Annie looked at Candy horrified, realizing she had forgotten to mention something that had happened here while she was gone.
“Candy, it is not...” she started.
Patricia interrupted her. “I don’t have your strength,” she said, crying. “He left without saying good bye…”
“Saying good bye? I’m not quite sure I understand. Who are you talking about?”
Annie and Archibald looked away.
“Stear…” Candy said, looking around, realizing he was not there. She had been so busy trying to look happy that she had not noticed his absence. “Where is Stear? It’s about him, isn’t it Annie?”
She noticed Annie was crying. “Archibald?” she pleaded, her voice starting to shake, fearing what was going to come next.
“Yes, it’s about Stear. He left. He volunteered to fight in France.”
Candy was petrified.
“He went to fight… In France…” She instantly pictured battle scenes, bombs, blood, body parts flying…
“He left the day after your departure for New York.” Archibald said sadly.
“He did not tell anyone. He just left a letter to Patty.” Annie said.
Candy understood right then Stear’s strange behavior when he had walked her to the train. He already had made up his mind. It was not a simple good bye but a farewell. She blamed herself for not realizing that something was off, she had censed he was up to something but had not been able to pinpoint it. She realized sadly that she had been so taken by her much anticipated reunion with Terry that she had been oblivious to anything else.
“Stear…” she said aloud.
“I cannot take it anymore… It is too cruel, why did he leave without talking to me, only leaving a letter…” Patty handed the letter to Candy and threw herself back on the bed, crying.
Candy read:
Dearest Patricia,
Please do not be angry with me and do not think I have been mean towards you. It is your smile I see and your laugh I hear as I am writing this letter.
Do not think that my passion for flying led me to join the French troops. The need to do what I consider my duty was too strong to be ignored.
Be patient my darling, we will meet again soon.
Stear
“He forgot to mention he might get killed,” Patricia cried, on the verge of hysteria. “Thousands get killed or disappear everyday over there.”
“Patricia, I forbid you to talk like this! You need to stop thinking the worst!” Candy screamed, furious at her friend. Patricia’s tears increased.
“Patty,” she added softly, feeling bad for having been so harsh with her friend, “you know how much Stear likes you, you need to trust him. He’ll do what is right but he will never endanger his life.”
“Candy is right Patricia, he is brave, but bravery does not necessarily equal temerity,” said Archibald.
“But why did he leave without saying good bye? I will never forgive him!” said Patricia, sobbing.
“Patricia… Please… Get a hold of yourself. What is the use of crying? Try to be as brave as he is.” Candy said to Patricia who was now lying on the floor, crying hysterically.
Annie hid her face in her hands, crying. Archibald was nervously pacing the room.
“I’m gonna need to be brave as well… And I know how hard it is.” Candy’s voice broke into tears and she buried her head on her pillow.
Archibald walked up to Candy. He put timidly one hand on her shoulder.
“Candy…. What happened in New York?”
Candy’s cries grew louder. The sound stopped Patricia’s crying fit. She had never seen her friend so distressed. She got up and sat on the edge of the bed. Archibald gave a quizzical look to Annie who, after Candy nodded her approval, went ahead and told them the whole story.
“Damned British… I knew he could not be trusted…I knew he was going to break her heart,” Archibald was fuming. He wished he had Terry in front of him so that he could beat him up.
Annie was rubbing Candy’s back, trying to comfort her best she could. Patricia was standing by the bed, dumbfounded.
Archibald sat in the armchair, lost in his thoughts.
“Candy… I am so sorry…” Patricia said, still sobbing a bit.
Candy was desperate, yesterday Terry, today Stear, she felt like her head was going to explode.
The door opened and Elroy walked in, looking furious.
“Aunt Elroy,” exclaimed Archibald, standing up.
“So this is true, she is here.” She said coldly, her face as stern as ever.
Candy instantly stopped crying and sat up.
“Archibald, would you mind telling me why you brought that girl back?”
“What do you mean, that girl?” he asked, angrily.
“Yes, I said that girl,” Elroy said disdainfully, pointing at Candy. “The whole town will know that she is a member of our family, how shameful!”
Candy looked down, drying her tears. She was not going to give Aunt Elroy the pleasure to see her cry.
“She is a member of our family Aunt Elroy, it is no secret to anybody.” Archibald said coldly.
Elroy ignored him and carried on.
“She only brought sorrow to this family. First the death of Anthony and now the departure of Stear, who may very well never come back.”
“She has nothing to do with any of that!” exclaimed Archibald, wanting to slap his Aunt. He had channelled the anger he felt towards Grandchester and, to a lesser extent, his brother, towards his great aunt who had never shown any kindness towards Candy.
“Silence Archibald, I am not talking to you but to Candy! I will never understand why I did not object more firmly to your adoption.” Sweat was pearling on her brow and her temples were pulsing with contained anger. “It is William’s fault. I am so upset with him. From now on I forbid you to use our name, I forbid you, do you hear me?”
“Aunt Elroy! You can’t do that! You have no right to make that kind of decision without consulting with Uncle William” Archibald immediately objected.
Candy realized the sadness she had been feeling had been replaced by rage, a rage so powerful she could not suppress it any longer.
“Piss off you old hag!” Candy could not believe the words had come out from her mouth.
Elroy became livid and at a loss what to reply. She certainly had not expected Candy to talk back to her, even less so with such a foul language. The others were equally shocked. Elroy regained quickly her composure and barked:
“How dare you talk to me this way? After all I did for you?”
“What you did for me? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! What you did for me? Let me tell you what you did for me: humiliated me, treated me like dirt, blamed me for everything and anything, rejected all my attempts to be friendly towards you, showed no gratitude whatsoever after I took care of you while you were sick, and now you are kicking me out regardless of the fact that I have a fever? Should I be grateful for that? Who are you kidding here? Do you think of yourself as a kind little old lady from the high society? You got to be delusional! You’re nothing but an old, mean, heartless spinster!” Candy was amazed how good it felt to let it all out.
“And I’m an Andley as long as uncle William says so. I know I said I did not want to be a member of this family but I’ve changed my mind, why would I want to leave a family who has been so kind to me? And legally, I’ve never ceased to be William’s daughter. So you have no right to treat me like you do. I have as much a right to be in this house as you do. So now get the hell out of my room. ”
“Great Aunt, please, just go.” Archibald said, extremely impressed by the way Candy had talked to his Aunt, and secretly wishing he had the guts to do the same.
“Who do you think you are to order me around? I am going to have YOU thrown out from this house.”
“Go ahead, have me thrown out, you old bat! I’m sure the newspapers will be delighted to hear that you threw your sick niece out in the cold! ” Candy could not stop the words flowing out of her mouth.
“You… You are finally showing your real face, I always knew you were no good… I’ll talk to my lawyer to cancel this non-sense William put me through.” Elroy was fuming. Her face was red with anger.
“You can’t!” screamed Archibald. “Uncle William adopted her, only he can cancel the adoption! You have no right whatsoever to act in his name!”
“Archibald! I was expecting better from you! It just goes on to prove my point that this girl has a bad influence on you all.”
“Of course Archibald, don’t you know everything is my fault?” Candy asked ironically. “Even this snow storm, I’ll bet the old cow can find a way to blame it on me.”
“CANDICE WHITE! I don’t want to hear another word from your dirty mouth! You are a disgrace to this family and I am going to make sure you won’t stay a part of it much longer!”
“You won’t do such a thing,” said a familiar voice.
Albert was standing in the doorway, looking very sharp in a nice crisp black suit. George was behind him.
“Albert!” said Candy, surprised.
Elroy became white as if she had seen a ghost.
“William!” she murmured.
“William?” asked Archibald quizzically.
“Elroy, please go wait for me in the library.” He said in an authoritative tone.
To everybody surprise, Elroy obeyed without uttering a word of protest.
Candy ran into Albert’s arms.
“Oh, Albert! I’m so happy to see you!” Candy was shaken and started to cry.
“Albert, how did you get here? What does all this mean? George?” Archibald asked, baffled by the whole scene.
“Annie, Patricia, if you would excuse us, I have to talk to Candy and Archibald in private.”
The two girls left the room, puzzled. George followed them and shut the door behind him.
Candy was still crying into Albert’s arms, oblivious to what was going on around her.
“Candy…” he said softly, rubbing her hair. “What happened?”
“Terry… I… We….” But she could not finish her sentence. Tears came flowing, choking the words in her mouth.
“Candy, don’t. I’ll explain to Albert.” Archibald told Albert everything. Candy kept on crying.
“Candy, I am so sorry. I know how much you loved him… What you did was very brave, very kind, and very noble. I would not have expected anything less from you… Confronted with the situation, I would have done just the same.” He was silent for a while, holding Candy and murmuring comforting words. Archibald was standing in the middle of the room, not sure what to do.
Finally, Albert broke the silence. “I realize this may not be the perfect time but there is something I need to tell you both.”
Archibald knew what was coming next. Candy had no clue. She had been so relieved to see Albert walked in the room that she had not fully gasped the meaning of it all. She was still sobbing. Albert pulled away from her, grabbed her shoulders and made her look at him.
“First, you need to understand that I never meant to hurt you Candy. Everything I did, I did it for you, I only wished for you to be happy.”
“What do you mean Albert? I don’t understand a word you say.” Candy said, confused, pulling away from him. “Does that mean you regained your memory?”
“Yes, I did, the night you left. Bits and pieces had been coming back for a few weeks prior that. I realize this will come as a shock to you both. My name is William Albert Andley.”
“What? YOU are the mysterious uncle William?” Archibald said.
“WHAT!?” Candy said, hardly believing her ears.
“Yes, I am the great uncle William.”
“But I thought he was an old man!” Candy protested.
“And so did everybody. It is more an honorary title than an indication of age,” Albert said.
“But how can it be?” Archibald asked, somewhat incredulous that this man he had known as Albert, some kind of vagabond, was in fact his uncle and the head of the Andley’s family and fortune.
“This is a long story. I was the only son of the Andley’s. They had three daughters but as dictated by tradition, only a son can become head of the family. I knew from a young age the tremendous responsibility that would be mine upon reaching twenty-one and taking over the family empire. It was something I was not looking forward to. After my sister Rosemary’s death, I…”
“Wait… That means you are my mother’s brother?” interrupted Archibald.
“Yes, I am indeed.”
“But… How come nobody ever mentioned you?”
“I’ll come to this in due time. I wanted to see the world before settling for a life of hard work and responsibility. I spoke to my Aunt Elroy about it. She strongly disapproved but there was nothing she could do. I had made up my mind. So she had no choice but to agree to keep handling the leadership of the family until I was ready to return and assume my responsibilities. Which is what I am doing today. My sisters, your mother Archibald and Neil and Eliza’s mother, were not close to me the way Rosemary had been. They were already married when I was born so they never really got to know me, so I guess they sort of forgot about me.”
“But why did you adopt me?” asked Candy.
“Because I received letters from Archibald, Stear and Anthony, begging me to do so. I had met you several times and had been deeply touched by you and you resemblance with Rosemary… Since that very first day on Pony’s hill.”
“What? It was you… My Prince… The Prince of the hill….” Candy could not believe what she was hearing. She was feeling so foolish: her Prince, her first love, had been her adoptive father!
Archibald did not understand what they were talking about.
“What Prince?”
Candy blushed, too embarrassed to answer.
“I met Candy when she was a little girl on Pony’s hill. She was crying. She looked so fragile, so small, and so helpless. I was only a boy then but I felt the urge to protect her. That urge had been with me ever since.”
“Years later, when I met Anthony, I thought he was the Prince… Now I understand why… And Anthony knew, he was about to tell me when…” Candy started to cry again.
Albert felt horrible.
“Candy… I am sorry to bring back those painful memories but I really wanted to be honest. I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore.”
Archibald thought the whole story was very strange. He also could not help but notice the way Albert was looking at Candy. He thought he saw something in Albert’s eyes that was not concern for a child but love for a woman. That made him sick to his stomach.
“But why didn’t you reveal yourself upon adopting Candy?” Asked Archibald.
“And why did you lead me on with Albert?” Candy asked, feeling cheated.
“Because I was not ready to take over the reins of the Andley’s family.”
“But you felt ready to adopt me?”
“I was afraid something terrible was going to happen to you if I did not do something to take you away from the Leegan’s but I was too late, they had already sent you to Mexico.”
“So you sent George to rescue me…”
“Yes, I was outraged by the way the Leegans treated you and decided to adopt you.”
“Not outraged enough to step out of the woods assume your position and punish the Leegans for what I endured in their hands.” Candy was clutching her fists, getting angry.
“Candy… It was the only thing I could do… I was young… “
“So why did you adopt me? This is not making any sense!” She screamed.
“Because I wanted to protect you. And it was the only way.”
“Why didn’t you adopt me as Albert then? You could have taken me with you on your travels.”
“She is right Albert! Do you have any idea of the abuse she suffered from Neil and Eliza, who were backed up by Aunt Elroy? We tried to protect her the best we could but it was not enough. She needed an adult to speak up for her,” Archibald said, getting angry as well.
“All I can say is that I am sorry. I only had Candy’s best interests at heart. You must believe me. I may have been clumsy in the way I handled everything but I truly wanted her to be happy.”
Candy thought about how Albert had been her ever-present friend, always there to comfort her. She could not stay mad at him, he did not deserve it.
“Thank you Albert.” She said softly. “Thank you for everything. I’m sorry for yelling at you… So much has been happening…”
“I cannot blame you Candy. I totally understand. But I will try my best to make up for the lost time. This house is yours. I am sending Elroy to Lakewood. Now go back to bed and get some rest.”
Candy realized she was exhausted and obeyed.
The two men left the room. Albert went to meet Elroy in the library, whom he chastised for the way she had treated Candy. He informed her that Candy was going to live here and that she, Elroy, was to go to Lakewood. Elroy, ashamed, left without saying a word.
Meanwhile, Archibald explained everything to Annie and Patricia, who were as shocked as he had been to learn that Albert was Uncle William. He decided to leave out the fact that he suspected Albert to be in love with Candy. The very idea of the two of them together sickened him to no end. Grandchester had been bad enough, but Uncle William? It was beyond anything he could have imagined.
When Candy woke up, it was dark. Somebody had come to pull the curtains shut and had left a plate with a sandwich and some fruits on it, as well as some fresh squeezed orange juice. Candy grabbed an apple. She put on her robe and walked to the window. She moved the curtain. Everything was dark outside; there were no stars in the sky.
She started thinking about the events of the last few days: The separation from Terry, Stear’s departure, Albert’s true identity. She did not know what to do. How to feel. She felt cheated, manipulated, and even angry. But after thinking hard about it, she came to understand and respect Albert’s reasons. And Stear’s. And even Terry’s. What she could not understand were her reasons! Why had she let Terry go? Why had she refused to let him speak? Why, upon realizing that Suzanne was ready to commit suicide, had she immediately decided to sacrifice herself? It was something she did in the spur of the moment and that she was going to live to regret. Her first thought had been for Terry, she did not want to make it more complicated for him than it already was. But what about her? What about her feelings? She had put so much hope in this trip to New York. And now it was all gone. Her dreams… Her life… Terry…
She felt the rage coming back, invading her whole soul. It was a sensation she had never experienced before. She took a vase full of Sweet Candy roses and threw it against the wall. The noise of the glass breaking resounded throughout the sleeping house.
“Gosh, what is wrong with me?” she wondered. “I’m going to wake everybody up”. She went to pick up the pieces and cut her hand doing so. Blood immediately started to flow on the Persian rug.
“Great…” She was on her way to the bathroom to get a towel to bandage her hand when Archibald came running in. His room was across from Candy’s and the noise had awakened him.
“Candy! What on earth…” he started and stopped, realizing she was bleeding.
“Oh Candy, what have you done?” he said, a concerned look on his face.
Candy realized he was thinking she had tried to cut herself on purpose.
“Archie, I’m Ok. Really… I just… I just dropped the vase and cut myself while picking up the pieces.” She did not want him to know she had thrown the vase in a fit of anger.
“Why didn’t you call a maid to pick it up?” He took her hand and was relieved to see it was a small cut. “You could have seriously hurt yourself.” He scolded her. “I’m going to call someone to clean up.”
“No, please Archie, I cleaned most of it. I don’t want to wake somebody up because of my clumsiness.” She pleaded.
“Fine. Go sit on the chair, I’m going to get some bandages and alcohol to clean your wound.”
Candy did as he asked. He came back a few minutes later with the necessary supplies.
“You’re the nurse, you want to do it yourself while I clean up?”
“Of course, thanks! I would not trust you with a bandage! And… Archie…”
“Yes?”
“Please don’t mention anything to Albert.”
“Why not?”
“I… I just don’t want him to worry, that’s all….”
“OK. How do you reckon we should call him? Albert or Uncle William?”
“Well, for me, he’s Albert, so I’ll keep using Albert.”
“I think I’ll do the same… It is so confusing… I wish Stear was here….”
“Me too…I miss him… I wish he had waited to leave… I would have gone with him…”
“You cannot be serious?”
“Why not? It is the war, I’m sure they need all the nurses they can get.”
“This is non-sense Candy! You cannot go there, I… I could not stand to lose you too….” He looked down, embarrassed by his admission.
“Stop talking as if Stear were dead! He is not! I’m sure he’ll come back with lots of stories to tell, you’ll see!”
“I hope you’re right…”
“I’m always right, don’t you know that yet?” she asked mischievously, trying to cheer him up.
“Oh, Candy! I like you better this way, optimistic and happy…” he smiled.
“So do I Archie, so do I… Now if you’ll excuse me, I want to go back in bed.”
“You’ll be OK?”
“Yes, I’ll be fine. Good night Archie.”
“Good night Candy.”
He left her room regretfully. His first instinct had been to take her in his arms, but he knew it would have been a bad idea. Who knows what he would have done if he had been holding her close? Kissed her? Most likely. And she would have been furious. … He cursed Grandchester for hurting her. That British brat had not realized how lucky he was to have been loved by Candy, how could he let her go? What a moron! Archibald would have given anything to be in his place. He had briefly entertained the hope that there could be something between them but had quickly realized there was no way she would ever go out with the one her best friend loved. He of course loved Annie but Candy was something else. She had a way to bring happiness to people around her; she was kind, fun, outgoing, full of life.
Candy went back to bed but lay awake till dawn, restless, tormenting herself with visions of Susanna on the hospital roof. She kept replaying the scene in her head, with some variations: she was arriving too late and Susanna had already jumped; she was the one jumping; and more disturbingly she was trying to prevent Susanna from jumping but her fingers were slipping and Susanna was falling to her death, screaming.
***********************
The next day, Archibald told Annie what happened the previous night. Annie became instantly worried. Archibald was convinced that no matter how she had denied it, Candy had tried to hurt herself.
Annie and Archibald agreed that Candy could not be left alone at night so Annie decided she’ll spend the night in Candy’s room. They would use the excuse that with her fever, she needed to be supervised and that Annie would be happy to play nurse for her, which was true. Annie felt indebted to Candy for all the kindness she had shown for her in the past and thought it was about time she did something for her. She was also feeling guilty, after hearing from Candy’s mouth what had happened in the train, she should have stayed the night before.
Candy started by weakly refusing but quickly gave in as she knew deep inside that she needed company, she did not know how long she would be able to go on with nights like the previous one…
A few weeks went by.
Patricia came by for lunch and the three girls had somewhat of a good time.
When it came time for Patricia to go back home, Archibald and Annie drove her. Candy preferred to stay and assured them she was fine. Albert was home, working in his study, and there were countless maids in the house.
After they left, Candy, who was much better, decided to take a bath and wash her hair.
She enjoyed the warmth of the bath. After a while, she got out. Looking through the window, she realized it was snowing. Instantly, she was taken back to that dreadful night. She saw Susanna’s face full of joy upon hearing that she was coming back to Chicago, giving Terry up. She heard Terry’s voice: “Candy, I can’t let you go… I wish time could stop…"
“Candy, you are the biggest idiot that ever walked the earth!”
She pulled away from the window, sat by the make up table, took a comb and started brushing her hair, first softly and then harder and harder. She looked up in the mirror at her reflection. Her hair was wet, down all the way to her waist. She was going to put it in her usual pigtails when she decided she needed a change. Susanna had been wearing pigtails. Candy did not want pigtails ever again. She put her hair up in a ponytail and did not like it. She tried a lose bun but her hair was too thick, the clip she was using too small and she got frustrated. She took another look in the mirror. She hated what she saw. She had lost weight, her hair was dull, her skin ghostly white, her eyes had lost their sparkle.
“I hope it was worth it Susanna. I hope you are happy and are taking good care of my Terry…. My Terry…. Damn you Terry! Why did you not tell me right away what had happened? Why did you let me go so easily? I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”
She furiously knocked down everything that was on the table. Annie’s sewing tote was there, its content spilled on the floor. A pair of scissors came out. Candy picked it up and started cutting her hair, grabbing handful of it and cutting at random.
Annie got back a few hours later, holding a box of chocolates. She walked in the room, surprised to see the light had not been turned on. It was way too early for Candy to be sleeping.
“Candy?” she called.
“I’m here,” said a small voice.
Annie turned on the light.
“I got you some…”she did not finish her sentence. Her best friend was sitting in a corner, her back against the wall, her head down in her lap.
“Candy…. What’s the matter sweetie?” As she got closer, she realized something was wrong with her friend’s hair.
“Oh my god Candy, your hair!” she exclaimed.
The golden locks were gone. The hair had been cut unevenly, some pieces still long, some short.
“I wanted a change,” Candy smiled sadly.
“Oh Candy,” Annie hold her in her arms and Candy let herself go and cried.
“Annie… This is too hard, I can’t do it… I love him so much… I won’t be able to live without him… I’ll go crazy… I’m already going crazy. I’m turning into a person I don’t know, and whom I don’t like… What is happening to me?”
“Candy, you’ve been through a lot in a short period of time… Terry… Stear… Albert… You need to be patient, let time do its work...”
Candy calmed down. Her friend was right. Had time not eased all her pains in the past? Why would it be different this time?
“Because I lost the man I love,” she thought to herself.
“Right now, we need to take care of your hair. I’m going to fix it, you’ll look like you have the latest hairdo, and you’ll be more fashionable than me!”
“Ok…” Candy gave a small smile.
Annie cut Candy’s hair so that it looked more even.
“Done! You look fabulous!”
Candy looked at herself in the mirror and liked what she saw. Her hair was short, with curls falling all around her face. It made her look older and she liked it!
“Thank you Annie,” she said, hugging her friend.
“Now my turn…” Annie took the scissors.
“What are you doing?”
“You didn’t really think I’d let you be more fashionable than me!” Annie smiled, cutting a piece of her hair. When she was done, she had a short bob.
“You are right Candy, it feels good to change!” said Annie, looking at her reflection.
She was indeed very pleased with the results; she looked more mature. She started to wonder if Archibald would like it.
“Let’s go see Archibald!”
The two friends left the room and found Archibald reading in the library.
“Hello!”
Archibald put his book down and looked up. He was speechless.
“Well, aren’t you going to tell us how beautiful we look?” asked Annie.
“Why did you cut your hair?” he asked stupidly, not knowing what else to say.
“Archie, you are disappointing me… I thought you knew that short hair is the new style!” exclaimed Annie, feigning to be offended.
Candy stood there and smiled awkwardly.
“You just look… different…” he said. “But in a good way!” He added. “Both of you.”
As far as he was concerned, Candy could have shaved her head and he would still have thought her beautiful.
Albert walked in.
“Wow! What happened? Did I miss something?”
“It’s the new style Albert!” said Candy, smiling warmly. She was glad to see him. Even though they were living under the same roof, she did not see him much and missed him. Upon assuming his role as head of the family, he was rarely around, spending most of his time in meetings around town and coming back home late.
“Well, both of you ladies look marvellous. What do you think Archie? I feel like taking them out for dinner to show them off?”
“Excellent idea!”
Candy did not really want to go anywhere but she did not want to be a party pooper, everybody seemed so happy. So she went with Annie and got dressed.
They had dinner at a fancy French restaurant. Candy barely touched her food; she was lost in her thoughts and barely participated in the conversation, answering questions with a random yes or no.
Albert had guessed that Candy was in a bad place emotionally and had asked her to quit working at St Joan’s hospital, which she had gladly done, she could not picture herself going back to work there, so many memories of Terry were attached to it, she had been on cloud nine on her last day of work there, and now…
She shook away the dark thoughts that had been cluttering her mind and tried to follow the conversation her friends were having. She watched the interaction between Annie and Archibald and felt a twinge of envy. Those two still had each other; they would most likely get married soon. She wanted to get home, her head was hurting.
“Candy, are you OK?” asked Albert who had noticed her doleful look.
“I have a headache, I’m sorry, can we go home?”
“Sure, Archibald and Annie, you can stay if you want, I’ll take Candy home.”
Annie was delighted by the opportunity to spend some time alone with Archibald. There was something she had been dying to talk to him about ever since Candy told her what had happened in New York.
“Ok. We’ll see you later.”
Candy and Albert left. The waitress came by and brought coffee.
“Candy does not seem well,” Archibald noted.
“No she does not. It will probably take her some time to recover.”
They drank their coffee in silence for a while.
“Archie, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
Annie seemed uncomfortable.
“It is about us.”
Archibald gave her a perplexed look.
“It may seem strange but something has been bothering me since Candy came back from New York.” Annie started.
“Here we go again,” thought Archibald, extremely annoyed. “She is jealous and is going to make a scene.”
“I was wondering…. “Annie looked uncomfortable and fidgety. “At St-Paul…” She stopped again.
Archibald had no idea what she was talking about and gave her an encouraging look. Annie went on.
“When I ran away and you came to get me, did you think really think what you told me or did you act the way you did out of pity and obligation?" Annie finally said.
“What?” Archibald was deeply surprised.
“Do you really love me or do you feel you need to be with me because Candy asked you to?”
Archibald was at a loss what to say.
“Since Candy told me what happened between her and Terry, I’ve been thinking about what I did to you. I basically did what Susanna did. I knew you did not love me but wanted you for me nevertheless. And I still do.” Tears were starting to flow. “But I am afraid you are staying with me to fulfil a promise you made to Candy. And that you are not happy.” Annie’s cries grew louder.
“Annie, you did not force me to do anything. I care a lot about you. I enjoy your company. And you make me happy. Please don’t cry.”
“But do you love me Archie?” Annie asked, sounding desperate.
“Of course I do.”
“Then say it.”
“I love you Annie, now let’s get out of here.”
They left, Archibald holding a sobbing Annie by the shoulders and wondering why he had said what he did. He loved Annie, but he certainly did not love her the way she loved him, of that he had no doubt. Should he stop leading her on? Should he have taken this opportunity to tell her the truth? But how many marriages were based on passionate love? Most of the people he knew had been married out of convenience rather than love. He had gotten used to her calm and silence presence in his life. She would without a doubt be the perfect wife for him socially speaking. His life with her would be peaceful and without any surprises. And what was wrong about that? There was no point hurting her unnecessarily.
“Annie,” he said softly. “I love you and want to marry you. Let’s get engaged.”
“Oh Archie!” Annie was the happiest she had ever been and jumped on Archibald’s neck. As he holds her in his arms, he thought that everything was the way it was supposed to be. Candy has been a lovely fantasy, a fantasy that was not meant to be.
Meanwhile, Candy and Albert got into Albert’s car and drove silently for a while.
“It still hurts, doesn’t it?”
Albert asked.
Candy nodded.
“It hurts more than I ever thought possible.”
“I’m truly sorry Candy. If you need to talk, I’m always here for you. I know I’ve been quite absent lately but I can always make time for you. All you need to do is ask. OK?”
“Thank you Albert, thanks for everything.”
They remained silent the rest of the way. There was something Albert had been dying to tell her but he felt it was too soon. She had to get over her rupture with Terry first. Then he could reveal his true feelings. For Archibald was right: after living with her all those months while amnesic, William Albert Andley had fallen madly in love with his adoptive daughter.
A month went by. Annie was back to her house and Candy spent her nights alone, crying herself to sleep. She was spending most of her days in her room, thinking desolate thoughts, doing nothing. She was resisting Archibald and Annie’s attempts to cheer her up, always finding excuses not to go out. She had no enthusiasm for anything.
Patricia was in a similar mood. She was spending most of her days in church, praying for Stear’s safe return. That seemed to bring her some kind of solace. Candy had joined her a couple of times but realized sadly that she had nothing to pray for, besides Susanna’s death but that was not a Christian thing to do and she was ashamed of herself for having such thoughts.
Annie was getting increasingly concerned about her friend. One day, as they were both in Candy’s room, doing nothing, Candy having refused to go Christmas shopping with Annie, the later said:
“You’re wasting your life!”
“What do you mean?” Candy asked, even though Annie’s words had struck a chord instantly.
“You should go and find Terry.”
Candy felt for a few seconds a pang of delicious hope. Then she thought of Susanna.
“But I can’t,” she said.
“Why not?”
“Because of her…” she could not bear to say her name.
“What about you? What about Terry?” Annie was getting exasperated. “I read that he…”
“I don’t care what you read!” interrupted Candy. “I don’t want to know about it. All I know is that she needs him more than I do. You did not see her face when I told her I was leaving. It was pure bliss.”
“Of course it was! She would have been crazy not to be ecstatic! First you saved her life and then you tell her your boyfriend whom she is crazy in love with will be hers. Come on Candy, stop making excuses, just go and talk to him. I know he is as unhappy as you are!”
“Why can’t you understand that we cannot be together? We could not be happy knowing that she lost everything! We cannot do that to her, it would kill her! You of all people should understand that!”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“How did you feel when you thought there was something between Archibald and me?”
Annie became pale.
“It was different!”
“How so?”
“You were not in love with him! If you had, I would never have asked you to step out! Don’t try to make this about me! And stop saying Susanna lost everything! You can only lose things you have. She lost her leg but she did not loose Terry’s love, she never had it! And she never will! Why are you being so stubborn?” Annie was furious, which was a rare instance.
“I’m not being stubborn, I’m being practical! Do you honestly think I could go to New York and tell her “Sorry, I changed my mind, you cannot have him, I want him for myself.”
“This is not about you and Susanna, it’s about you and Terry. You and Susanna cannot fight over him without giving him any say into whatever you decide. You cannot decide for him, it is his life as well. “Annie was exasperated.
“You don’t know him. You did not see how torn he was. He would not have been able to make a reasonable decision.”
“But of course you were! You call reasonable to make a one sided decision, giving him no choice but to stay with a woman he does not love?”
“He will love her eventually, he promised he’ll be happy.”
“But Candy, don’t you read the papers? He is not happy! He got fired! There are rumors…”
“Shut up!”
Annie took out a piece of newspaper from her purse.
“Here, read for yourself.”
Candy took the paper and threw it furiously without reading it in the fireplace where a fire was burning.
“What is wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m only trying to help?”
“I don’t need your help!”
“Can’t you for once accept that you are not strong enough to deal with this alone? There is no shame in asking friends for help,” Annie pleaded.
Candy looked at her with infinite sadness.
“There is nothing you can do to help me. Leave me alone.”
Annie left, slamming the door shut behind her.
“She is right,” Candy thought. “I am wasting my life here… “Her life was indeed rapidly falling apart. She started to cry. “Oh, Terry, it is true? You got fired? Why?” How much she would have liked to read the paper now… But no, she must forget about him, he was not part of her life anymore.
“He is Susanna’s and if she loves him as much as she said she did, she should know how to take care of him.”
Candy made a decision. She packed her suitcase, got dressed and went in Albert’s study.
He was not there. She sat on his desk, grabbed a piece of paper and started to write.
Dear Albert,
Please forgive me for leaving without talking to you.
I am thankful for everything you did for me and offering me a home but there is only one place I can call home and I decided to go back to it.
I need some time alone, to think about what I want to do with my life. Pony’s home is the perfect place for that. And the flu season is upon us and I’m sure they can use a nurse.
Gratefully,
Candy
She then took another piece of paper and wrote another note.
Dearest Annie, my precious friend,
Thank you for your love and support during all those weeks. I could not have gone through it all without you.
I am sorry for our last conversation. I know you were trying to help me, and you did in a way.
I am going back to Pony’s home. At least temporarily, until I figure out what to do.
Say good-bye to Archibald and Patricia for me. Tell Patricia not to give up hope, I know in the bottom of my heart that Stear will come back.
Love always,
Candy
She got up, took her suitcase and quietly left the house.
The sun was going down. The young man was sitting on the windowsill, lighting up another cigarette. He could not remember how long he had been sitting there. He reached for the bottle of whisky. It was empty. He threw it furiously against the wall where it smashed into pieces. He finally moved and went to the bathroom. The mirror sent him his gloomy reflection. "Grandchester, this time you did it… You look like a bum.” His long brown hair was dirty, kept in an untidy ponytail, he had a week old beard, his blue eyes were blood shot, his skin was extremely pale. He had a lean look, his face was thinner, his cheekbones were protruding and the hand with which he was pushing the hair out of his eyes was bony. He looked and felt more and more like a vampire, sleeping most of the day and staying up all night, satisfying a craving not for warm blood but for cheap whisky, cheap whisky to help him forget. Forget how he had miserably failed to fulfil his promise to his one and only love. Forget how he had been foolish enough to let her go in the first place.
Staying with Susanna had seemed like the sensible thing to do on that horrible night when Candy had prevented Susanna from committing suicide and sacrificed their love and happiness in the process. But since when was Terrence Grandchester sensible? Wasnʼt he the same Terrence Grandchester who mocked the nuns at St Paul, the one who disregarded all rules? Wasnʼt he the rebellious son of the Duke of Grandchester?
So mere minutes after telling Susanna he had chosen her, he had left the hospital and gone to the Royal Hotel, intending to tell Candy that he loved her and wanted to marry her, that he had no future with Susanna, that there must be another way to work things out. But she was gone. He had gone to the train station, but the train had just left. He had run to the end of the platform, screaming her name. He had stood there shaking, not knowing what to do. Then he had walked into a bar and had not been sober ever since.
He was such a drunk, unable to perform most of the time, that Robert Hathaway, regretfully, had to fire him. He had purchased a typewriter and was planning on writing a play. So far, he had not written a single word. He was just sitting in front of the typewriter, staring blankly at the empty page.
After Christmas, he had been fed up with both the Marlowe women. He had faithfully been visiting with Susanna everyday, standing by her side, oblivious to whatever she was saying. The later was so self-absorbed and all to the happiness that his presence brought her that she did not realize he was drunk. Mrs. Marlowe however had noticed it. She was displeased by it but kept pushing them to pick a wedding date all the same. Finally, he had not been able to stand it any longer and had just stopped coming. He was afraid he would slap Mrs. Marlowe at the next mention of the odious marriage. Mrs. Marlowe had come knocking at his door, she had left numerous letters, all of which he had trashed without reading. He did not want to see both of them ever again. He sold his apartment. He wanted to disappear completely.
He had swallowed his pride and he had gone to his mother for help. He had told her everything. Eleanor Baker had been deeply saddened by his story but most and foremost distraught by her sonʼs appearance and alcohol consumption. She had also been upset he had not come to her for help earlier but could not really blame him since he had been used from early on to deal with his problems alone. She had gladly agreed to help him, sympathizing with his sorrow. She had been outraged by the way Mrs. Marlowe had manipulated him and had offered to go talk to her. Terry had forbidden her to. He wanted to settle the problem on his own. And he did not want his mother to risk her career and reputation by revealing to the Marlowes that he was her son.
He did not know what to do next and needed a place to stay. She had welcomed him into her home. Even though they were sharing a roof, they were rarely seeing each other. Eleanor was working most of the time, busy with rehearsals for the upcoming theater season. When she was coming home late in the evening, Terry was already gone for the night. She was at a loss what to do with him and had realized sadly that there was a lot she did not know her son. He had rejected all her attempts to help him with his alcohol addiction. She wanted to contact Candy for she knew that getting his true love back would be the only way to convince him to stop drinking and give him back to will to live but Terry had been adamant in his refusal to contact Candy.
One night, while he was out at his favorite bar, drinking whisky after whisky, he had met another young British man, a few years older than him, named Aldous Huxley (1). The later was drinking Bourbon. They talked and found out both of them were drowning their sorrows into alcohol, Huxley grieving the loss of his brother and the humiliation of having been disqualified from the British army because of a near-blindness. They became somewhat friends. They shared a love for poetry. Huxley introduced Terry to opium smoking and Terry became a regular in one of Chinatown opium den. Huxley eventually went back to London and Terry kept patronizing the den.
Rumors were starting to circulate among the theater circles about the dissolute life Terrence Grandchester was living. He was seen walking the streets of New York early in the morning, coming back from who knows where. However, nobody knew where he lived. Terry, no matter how inebriated he was, managed to keep his motherʼs secret.
One night, Eleanor was at a party and overheard a playwright mentioning he had been drinking in some bar earlier with Terry and that Terry had mentioned the name of an opium den in Chinatown, on Mott Street. Eleanor had been horrified, drinking was bad enough but smoking opium? His desperation was deeper than she thought. Her son was out of control. Not only was opium highly addictive, it was also illegal and he could end up in jail for it. She had to do something, it was time she stopped watching him helplessly ruin his life and help him with his self-destructive behavior. She left the party and asked her driver Phillip to take her immediately to Ho Lup Chut on Mott Street.
“Are you sure Miss? This is no place for a lady…”
“Thatʼs why youʼll come in with me, letʼs go.”
They arrived at the place. It was in a dark building, the den a mysterious looking hole secreted in the basement.
“Are you sure you want to get in there?” Philip asked. “Maybe I should go alone.”
“Thanks Philip but I must go.” She said reluctantly, looking around her with profound disgust. The surroundings were squalid and she shivered thinking how the inside of the place must look.
They got in the basement. People, men and women, Chinese and white, lay intoxicated on small hard wooden bunks. She guessed there were about twenty of them. Some were inhaling strongly and deeply from pipes, the burning drug passing through their lungs. Others were passed out. The room was thick with smoke. The stench of too many bodies confined in a badly ventilated room was so strong she thought she was going to faint. She finally saw Terry. He was resting on his left side, his head resting on a small stool serving as a pillow. She ran to him, followed by Philip.
“Terry! Terry, do you hear me?”
Terry did not answer, he did not even move.
“Quick Philip, pick him up and letʼs get out of here.” Philip obeyed and they left this horrible place.
Back home, Terry was put in his bed. Eleanor spent the night by his side. He woke up at dawn, opened his eyes and immediately stood up when he saw his Mother.
“How…”
“Shut up! Shut up!” she started screaming, crying. “How dare you? How dare you destroy yourself like this? Oh, Terry…” She was sobbing, hiding her face in her long delicate and perfectly manicured hands.
Terry felt horrible to make his Mother cry, his Mother who had let him stay with her, who did not ask any question when he had emptied her liquor cabinet.
“Mom… Iʼm sorry. I just cannot help it. I need to escape the nightmare my life has become. When I smoke, Iʼm in paradise, there is no more pain, I feel alive. And I see her…”
“Terry… You must stop, stop before it is too late. Do you think Candy would like to see you like this? She left you so that you could be happy. And look at you!”
“I cannot be happy without her Mother, I might as well be dead. I tried, I really did. I did my best with Susanna but I couldnʼt love her. I could not shake Candy out of my mind, out of my heart. Iʼll never stop loving her. If I were to marry Susanna, I would descend into a putrid abyss of resentment, misery, anger and regret, a dark musky cave of despair. The more I saw her, the more I hated her, hated her for taking Candy away from me, hated her for the emotional black mail she subjected me to. I even hated her for saving my life. What was the point if it is to live without the one I love? I never knew I had so much hatred in me. I was afraid I was going to strangle her.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks.
“Oh, Terry…” Eleanor sat on the edge of the bed and took her son in her arms. Terryʼs cries intensified.
“Itʼs all going be Ok… Cry my son, youʼll feel better…” They remained like this for a while, Terry crying like he had never cried before, his mother comforting him the best she could.
“Listen, you must stop the opium, do you hear me?”
“But what for?”
“For Candy, for me.” She said. “Nothing stops you from going to Chicago, nothing but yourself! Sober up, go there and talk to her.”
“I canʼt! She would not change her mind now. She never vacillated before. She would be mad at me for not being married to Susanna, she would send me back to her. When she makes a decision, she carries it through…”
“Donʼt you think she might regret it eventually though?”
He seized on that shred of hope. He knew she loved him. Of that he was certain. That had not changed. She had left because she loved him.
(1) The meeting with Aldous Huxley is of course a totally fictitious plot device. Huxley did not come to the US until the 1940s I believe and did not experiment with drugs till the 50ʼs. He is just the first name that came to me when I was thinking about a Terryʼs contemporary who used opium.
**************
Eleanor Baker sent her son to her Summer house in the Hamptons, hoping being away from the temptations the big city had to offer would help. It did not. He could not seem to find the strength to stop drinking. He was living there alone with a cook, Peter, who kept an eye on him and reported to his mother. The detoxification from opium, three weeks in a discreet private clinic in Boston, had been unpleasant and distressing but he had gone through it. But alcohol was another story. His body craved the numbness alcohol was providing. He was able to stop for a few days but then would go on a drinking binge. His hope that Candy might still love him had rapidly faded away: she loved the Terry he had been, not the pathetic drunk he had become. He was torturing himself with different scenarios of what would happen once he got to Chicago. He was convinced Candy would reject him and force him to go back to Susanna. And this, he could never do, he would rather die than go back to her.
So he kept on drinking. He was possessed by a feeling that nothing mattered very much anymore now that the girl he loved in a way he never thought he could be capable had chosen to go out of his life. The worst part was that he had agreed to let her go. He could not stop blaming himself for it, for the cowardice he had shown, for allowing some absurd sense of duty to prevail over love. He was full of self-loathing. He kept wondering what had gotten into him on that tragic night. Why did he not tell her that he loved her and wanted to be with her forever? That he had meant to ask her to marry him, hence the one way ticket. Why did he accept her decision to leave? He knew that whys and what ifs were a waste of time but he could not help himself. He saw her everywhere, in the streets, in his dreams. He could not forget the excruciating agony of seeing her walk away from the hospital, a small lonely figure in the snow.
He was sometimes performing in small local theaters or some old ladies tea- parties, mostly reciting Shakespeare sonnets, under the name Terrence White.
His only accomplishment had been to finally tell Susanna how he felt before leaving for the Hamptons.
He had not seen her in weeks. He was expecting her to be somewhat upset with him but she had not been even remotely displeased. Upon seeing him, a radiant smile had lightened up her face.
“Terry! I knew youʼd be back,” she had joyfully said.
Mrs. Marlowe was there, and gave him a reproachful look. He ignored her and went to Susanna.
“I need to talk to you. Alone,” he said dryly.
“But…” Mrs. Marlowe protested.
“Go Mother.” Susanna said. She had noticed the deep resolve on Terryʼs face.
Mrs. Marlowe reluctantly left the room.
Susanna was on her wheelchair, by the window. There was a chair next to her. She motioned for Terry to sit down.
“Iʼd rather stand up.”
Susanna felt crushed but did not say anything. She gave him this sad look of hers, full of love he had come to loathe.
“Susanna, first I want to apologize for not giving any news for so long and for leaving without talking to you,” he started.
“There is no need to apologize. I knew you would come back,” she smiled softly.
“Please donʼt interrupt me,” he said rather harshly. He continued in a gentler tone.
“I know this will hurt you but I owe you the truth, however painful it may be.”
Susanna felt her heart break. That was it, what she had been dreading: he was coming to break up with her.
“I do not love you, I never did, and I never will. I am truly sorry. You and your mother had no right to pressure me the way you did. You saved my life and for that I am forever grateful, but I wonʼt marry you. One does not get married out of guilt. Happiness cannot be attained by living thus.”
“Candy! Itʼs about Candy isnʼt it?” she could not help to ask in a trembling voice, starting to weep.
“It is about what my heart tells me to do.”
“Terry…” Susanna was crying heavily now. “I love you, I love you so much. I have enough love in me for both of us,” she pleaded, her whiny voice irritating him like never before. He could not believe she had the nerve to utter the word “love” when it was so obvious she had absolutely no idea what love, unconditional, true love, was.
“This is not love. You donʼt know what love is. How can you say you love me when you do not even know me? You are confusing a crush with love. Susanna, I once promised myself I would never love the way my father did, and it is a promise I intend on keeping. I wonʼt let true love be overcome by duty and obligation, which is what life with you would amount to, duty and obligation, nothing more.”
Susanna wept bitterly.
“Donʼt cry,” he said.
“I canʼt help it,” she said, her eyes full of tears. “Iʼm sad.”
“Iʼm sorry Iʼve made you so unhappy.”
“Donʼt be sorry for that. Be sorry that you made me so happy. Thatʼs why it hurts so much.” She cried with deep, wrenching sobs, and tears flooded down her cheeks.
Terry felt bad for crushing the fantasy she had been living in for all those months but he carried on.
“I will always provide financially for you. Go to my bank on Fifth Avenue, I set up an account in your name. I will be sending more money every month. That way, you will not have to worry about your future. Use it well and please be happy. This is your life. You and only you are responsible for it. It is up to you and you alone to overcome the challenges you will be facing. Iʼm sure you heard about Sarah Bernhardt. She was also amputated but is now back on stage, using a prosthesis. I spoke with Dr. Mark Wilson at the PresbyterianHospital. The same thing can easily be done for you. Youʼ re younger and it would take you no time getting used to it. Please go and see him. You cannot lie in bed or sit on a wheelchair for the rest of your life when you donʼt have to. Your life is far from over Susanna. You are young, beautiful, talented. Forget me. I would only have made you miserable. You deserve so much better.”
When he was done, Susanna was crying hysterically. He left without looking back.
**************
He lit up another cigarette and walked toward the kitchen, making himself a cup of tea. He sat at the table, inhaling deeply from his cigarette, lost in his thoughts. “This is ridiculous… ” He thought. “ What am I doing? What happened to me? I cannot give up on love and drink myself into oblivion. I am far too young to give up on life and love without putting up a fight. I made a mistake and I must fix it before it is too late. What do I have to lose? Nothing anymore. I promised Candy Iʼll be happy and this is a promise I will keep.”
Armed with a new found resolve, he got up, grabbed his jacket and left the house.
Candy had been at Ponyʼs home for four months. Miss Pony, Sister Lane and the children had been delighted to see her. Miss Pony and Sister Lane had quickly realized something was wrong but Candy had rejected all their attempts to find out what was bothering her. She told them she needed a break and wanted to help at the orphanage for a while.
Candy was cheery around the kids, enjoying every single moment with them. It was the only times she felt like her old self. She had taken up riding again and hen the weather would allow it, she would borrow a horse from Tom and go riding, alone and sometime with him. Annie, Patricia and Archibald were coming to visit her on Sundays and she seemed cheerful. But if one looked closely, one could see the sadness and the pain. The only improvement she felt was the anger, it was gone and had been replaced by melancholy. Her mind kept going back to Terry, Terry she was trying so hard to forget but his memory was constantly with her, his smile, his voice, his scent…
Annie was increasingly worried about her friend. Candy kept losing weight, did not seem to be getting much sleep. Her hair has grown enough for her to keep it in a ponytail, which was accentuating the slenderness of her face. She was often haggard and hollow-eyed. Annie was desperately trying to find a way to make her come back to Chicago. She had made it her mission to help Candy. She had not seen anything in the newspapers anymore about Terry and did not know if that was good or bad. She had however seen that Susanna Marlowe was expected back on stage in September. She wondered if she should tell Candy but decided against it, afraid it would trigger a new breakdown.
Archibald was also extremely concerned for Candy, as well as for his brother, from whom they had finally received a letter. Stear wrote he did not regret going to war and that he enjoyed doing something he considered meaningful and fulfilling. However, he did not mention anything about the atrocities he was bound to have seen, or the danger he must be facing daily. He did not talk about his eventual return either.
Patricia seemed to be doing better. She stopped feeling sorry for herself. She had joined a nursing school and spent most of her time studying.
One day, Annie was walking in Chicago when her eye caught a sign on a small building of modest appearance. The sign said HAPPY CLINIC and there was a post on the window reading NURSE WANTED. Annie had an idea. She walked in. She was out an hour later, a smile on her face.
***************
The next week-end, Annie came to visit Candy, alone.
It was cold but sunny and the two friends were on Ponyʼs hill, Annie sitting very properly as usual and Candy lying in the grass.
“Candy, would you like to be a nurse again?” Asked Annie, out of the blue.
Candy looked at her friend quizzically, not knowing where this was going. She truly missed nursing, the effervescence of the hospital, the sense of accomplishment her job had given her. She had been reminded of how much she missed it a few weeks ago, when one little girl from the orphanage had to be taken to the local doctor for an emergency appendectomy. She had assisted the doctor during the procedure and had felt the rush of helping to save someoneʼs live. It was an incredible feeling. Everyday while being a nurse, she had touched a life or a life had touched hers, and she certainly missed that. She knew that her whole existence came down to helping people, now more than ever.
“I would… I just donʼt have the energy to look around for a job,” Candy admitted sadly.
“What if a job offer came to you?”
“How?”
“There is this place in Chicago, it would be perfect for you!” Annie was excited. “It is called the HAPPY CLINIC, it is a free clinic for people who cannot afford to pay for the hospital. The doctor who runs it is a very kind man, even though he tries hard to hide it. He is looking for a nurse. Please come back with me and at least meet him before saying no.”
Candy was instantly excited about the prospect to get back to work. The truth was, as much she enjoyed being around the children, she was getting bored at Ponyʼs home. The idea of a free clinic for people in need was extremely appealing. Maybe Annie was right, maybe that was what she needed: get back to her vocation.
“Iʼll give it a try,” she smiled.
Annie could not contend her happiness and hugged her friend. She was convinced that once Candy would be working again, her depression would improve.
********************
Candy met Doctor Martin and they immediately got along very well. She started working the next day and scolded herself for having taken such a long time off. Being a nurse was really what she was born to be, she had no doubt about that.
After a few weeks, she noticed that the clinic could use some improvements. Albert, ever the philanthropist, had promptly offered to help. Candy had supervised the make over of the clinic which was now equipped with the latest technology.
As far as her living arrangements were concerned, Candy was not comfortable at the Andleyʼs mansion, which felt too stuffy for her. She also wanted to be independent again, but had come to the conclusion that she could not bear to live alone, not in the state of mind she was in. She knew she was deeply depressed, even though she was doing her best to hide it from her friends. After discussing it, they had agreed that Patricia would move in with her in a small apartment owned by the Andleys. Candy had wanted to get back to her old apartment but it was no longer available and Albert had insisted she and Patricia stayed in a more comfortable place.
The two friends found solace in each other. They felt they did not need to pretend when they were together and frequently, in the deep of the night, they were crying into each other arms. She and Patricia seemed able to comfort one another. Working had also helped take her mind off her sorrow.
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon and she was feeling quite low despite the sunny sky. It had been over six months but Terry still occupied her thoughts, she was still suffering from their break up and was wondering if she would ever get over it. To make matter worse, and if what Annie had read was to be trusted, Terry was not happy either. All that because of her.
To take her mind off those dark thoughts, she decided to go to the clinic see what Patricia was up to. Every other weekend, Patricia was working at the Happy clinic, helping Dr. Martin in case a patient came in. But most of the time, it was pretty quiet and Patty would organize the supplies, make a list of what to buy on Monday, clean the place and make sure everything was in order.
“Maybe we made the wrong decision. Maybe we should have talked it over. Why do I always think about others first? What am I trying to prove?” lamented Candy.
She arrived at the clinic. Patricia was assisting Dr. Martin who was examining a young woman. Candy sat in the lobby area.
Candy looked at her friend and was amazed by the changes in her: the plump teenager she had been was gone, she had lost weight, her hair was now longer and kept up in a tight bun, giving her a solemn look. Stear's abrupt departure had changed her not only physically but most and foremost mentally. She was now stronger than she has ever been, able to make her own decisions, more assertive in front of others, not afraid to speak her mind.
Candy realized that life and its circumstances had changed their lives in an irrevocable way. Even Annie was changed, but in a good way: she was prettier than she had ever been, more confident, beaming with happiness…
She was still lost in her thoughts when ten minutes later, the young woman came out of the examination room and left the clinic.
Candy got up.
Patty was cleaning up the examination room.
“Hi Candy! Not planning on working on your day off, are you?” Dr. Martin asked.
“No, sorry! Iʼm coming to pick up Patty for lunch. When she is done of course. I made some sandwiches, there is even one for you,” she smiled, taking a sandwich from her basket.
“You should not have. Thank you Candy!”
Candy loved her new work and got a deep satisfaction out of working with Dr. Martin. She found so rewarding to care for others and make a difference in their lives every day. Nursing was a physically and emotionally demanding job but she would not have traded it for anything else.
Dr. Martin was thankful to Candy for the new clinic. He was able to reach a larger population and provide better care thanks to Albertʼs generosity. They had hired two new nurses to keep up with the increasing number of patients and Dr. Martin thought they may need an additional doctor as well soon.
When she was done, Patty took off her uniform, and the two girls said good bye to Dr. Martin who has settled on his desk and was biting hungrily in his sandwich. They decided to go have their lunch by the lake.
The two friends walked silently for the five minutes it took to go from the clinic to the lake. They found an empty bench facing the lake and sat down. Candy took the sandwiches from the basket she had been carrying.
“Since when do you make sandwiches? Is it safe to eat them?” asked Patty jokingly.
“Sandwiches are my specialty! If I were not living with you, Iʼd be eating them all the time!”
“Letʼs see,” said Patty, biting in her Turkey sandwich… “Yum, very good Candy!”
“I used the left over turkey from last night…”
They ate their sandwiches in silence for a while.
“There is something I need to tell you… I know it will sound horrible but I really need to get this off my chest…” started Patty.
“Hey, no worries, you know you can tell me anything, Iʼm not here to judge you,” reassured Candy.
“I donʼt think I can attend Annieʼs engagement party tomorrow… I donʼt think I can gather up the strength… “ Pattyʼs voice was breaking, her eyes were tearing up. “It hurts too much … Seeing them so happy…I canʼt help but think about Stear… What if he never comes back? I did not hear anything from him in months.”
“Oh Sweetie! Youʼll be just fine. Iʼll be there with you. It will be fun! Weʼll get to dress up, eat yummy food, dance. Stop worrying about Stear. I know he is safe. It is probably impossible for him to mail a letter, the whole of Europe is at war, the mail must be disrupted.” said Candy, trying to cheer her friend up, even though she was sharing her reluctance to attend the party as well. She could not help but think about Terry, how she had thought she would have been engaged to him by now, even married…
“I hope youʼre right…” said Patricia, smiling sadly.
The two girls finished their lunch in silence, each one lost in her thoughts.
*****************
Lakewood - April 16, 1916
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. All of Chicagoʼs high society was at the Andleyʼs Lakewood mansion where the engagement party of Annie Brighton and Archibald Cornwell was taking place. Candy was feeling extremely ill at ease; she could not get used to be around those people and was very uncomfortable. At least, neither the Aunt Elroy nor the Leegans were there. Since Albert had assumed his role as head of the family, the Leegan had been invisible, much to Candyʼs relief.
After the luncheon, she sneaked out to Anthonyʼs rose garden and sat on a bench. The roses were starting to bloom, but they were not as pretty as Candy remembered, they probably missed Anthonyʼs gentle touch. She caught herself thinking fondly of Anthony quite often, wondering what would have happened had he not passed away after that awful accident… She would most likely never have gone to St-Paul, and have never met the source of her current heartache… That thought depressed her even more. Although things had not worked out the way she would have liked them to, she had the most wonderful memories that she cherished and kept playing in her mind over and over again. She had been the happiest she had ever been in her life then, even though she had not realized it. Had she known the fate that was awaiting them, she would have done a few things differently, she would have expressed her feelings and desires to Terry, she would not have slapped him when he kissed her… But it was now too late and all she was left with were memories and regrets. She had vowed from now on to enjoy every single moment of her life, to speak her feelings and emotions, to live life to the fullest, which was a nice idea but was easier said than done.
Seeing Annie radiant on her engagement day had brought up feelings of sadness and most surprisingly jealousy in Candy. She was shocked by what was going on inside of her; it was not her nature to be envious. She had not been able to stop herself from picturing a similar party for her and Terry…
“There you are.”
Candy was taken out of her reverie by a familiar voice.
“Albert,” she said, smiling to her benefactor.
Albert sat on the bench next to Candy. “What are you doing here Candy? Annie was looking for you” he lied. The truth was he had seen her sneak out of the party. He had to talk to her, he felt he had put it off for too long and that now was the time. He had guessed she would be in the rose garden.
“It is such a beautiful day, I wanted to breathe some fresh air and maybe go for a stroll,” she said.
“Do you mind if I join you?”
“Shouldnʼt you be at the party?” she asked, taken aback.
“Itʼs not my party, no one will notice Iʼm gone. Besides, I hate those formal events, I need a break,” he smiled.
“OK then. Letʼs go,” she said, getting up. Albert offered her his arm, which she took. They walked toward the park that was surrounding the mansion.
“So how are you doing? We donʼt see each other much anymore,” said Candy.
“Iʼm extremely busy. I was gone for way too long, Elroy did not manage a few businesses in a satisfactory way… So I have a lot to do…”
“But are you happy with your new life?” asked Candy.
“Happy… I would not call it happy… But Iʼm satisfied by it I guess. I am in a position where I can do a lot of good things, like helping Dr. Martin with his clinic. And that brings me happiness to a certain degree. What about you Candy? Are you happy?”
“What? Of course I am happy! I have a lovely apartment, a job I truly enjoy, family and friends I adore, what more do I need?”
“Love.”
Candy became pale. Her love life was a subject she did not want to approach with Albert, or with anybody for that matter.
“Letʼs go back to the party,” she said coldly, turning around.
“Wait,” said Albert, grabbing her arm. “You did not answer my question.”
“There is nothing to answer”.
“Then I am guessing the answer is no. You are not happy. You do not need to say it, I can see it on your face.”
“What are you talking about? I am perfectly happy and would greatly appreciate it if you would drop the subject,” she said, irritated.
“Why wonʼt you admit it? Itʼs about Terry, isnʼt it? You cannot let him go, no matter how hard you try,” he said matter-of-factly.
He had come to realize that his feelings for Candy were nothing more than a profound friendship and infinite tenderness. He cared for her like a brother or a father would. Upon recovering his memory, he had been confused by the flow of memories coming in and his mind had not been able to process them all. He had mistaken the deep gratitude mingled with sincere affection he felt towards her for love. But after a few weeks, he had realized his mistake and had been extremely thankful he had hold back and never voiced those feelings to Candy. Besides, there could never be anything remotely romantic between the two of them. Candy considered him a friend, nothing more. She would never fall for him, or anybody else for that matter, the way she had for Terry. Albert was convinced those two were soul mates and he was determined to help Candy realize it too. He hated the veil of sadness that was clouding her gaze. He wanted her to regain her joie-de-vivre, and he knew the only way to bring the old Candy back was to have Terry by her side.
“I donʼt know what you are talking about,” said Candy curtly.
“I just want to help you. I want you to be happy again.”
“I am happy!”
“ God, Candy… Why are you so stubborn! Go to New York. I know for a fact he needs you. I read ….”
“What is it with you all? Donʼt you all have anything better to do than read about Terryʼs life? I was expecting much better from you, Albert! Iʼm disappointed to see you are into gossiping!” She was exasperated.
“Candy, listen to me. Terry is free.”
Candy looked at him, incredulous.
“Susanna is getting back on stage. And she is dating somebody else.”
“What? But how…”
“I donʼt know the details, all I know is that she is not with Terry anymore.”
Candy could not believe it. She had longed to hear those words. She was at a loss what to say.
“You still love him, donʼt you?” Albert finally asked.
“With all my heart!”
“Then what are you waiting for?”
Candy hugged Albert and went running back to the house, feeling the best she had in months.
**************
Meanwhile in New York, Terry was finally sober after a two months stay at Columbia hospital where he had followed a strict detoxification program. It had not been easy but he had gone through with it. He knew that getting sober was the first step in getting back what he had been cheated of. And that alone gave him the will to succeed.
He had gained back most of the weight he had lost. His skin was a healthy pink, he was freshly shaved, his hair was long and smooth. He was wearing a new brown suit. He smiled at his reflection. He was confident that his trip to Chicago was not going to be in vain.
“Terry, hurry up! Youʼll miss the train,” he heard his mother call. “Philip is waiting for you in the car.”
Terry got out from the bathroom. He gave his Mother a hug, and kissed her gently on the forehead.
“Thanks for everything.”
“Itʼs the least I could do. Now go,” she said, handing him his suitcase. “And call me to let me know what happened!”
The train finally entered Chicago Union station and came to a stop. Terry got off, walked briskly out of the station and motioned for a cab. He got in, gave the address of the Lakeshore hotel. Once there, he registered, asked the concierge to have a cab waiting for him in thirty minutes, quickly got to his room, freshened up, smoke one last cigarette on the balcony overlooking Lake Michigan and left.
He got into the cab and gave the driver Candyʼs address. He hoped she was still living there. He had briefly entertained the idea of going to St- Joan hospital but he remembered the lack of luck he had on his last visit there and opted for the apartment instead.
After what seemed an eternity, the cab stopped in front of a modest looking building. Terry asked the driver to wait, in case she was not there anymore, and got inside the building. He knocked at the managerʼs door.
A middle-aged man opened.
“How can I help you?”
“Good morning Sir, Iʼm looking for Miss Candice White Andley?” he said, feeling his heart beat faster.
“Miss Candy? She does not live here anymore.”
Terry felt crushed.
Upon seeing his visitorʼs distraught look, the manager went on.
“She moved out about six months ago. She actually did not move herself, two men came and emptied her apartment.”
“What about Albert?” Albert was bound to know where Candy was.
“He disappeared as few days before the men came.”
“Did she leave an address?”
“No, she didnʼt. But the men told me they were taking everything to the Andleyʼs mansion, on the outskirt of town. Any cab can take you there, it is quite famous.”
“Thank you, Sir,” said an extremely grateful Terry before rushing back to the cab.
The cab driver knew where the house was and they were there twenty minutes later.
The house was a Tuscan style villa, sitting at the end of a long driveway with tall cypresses on the sides. The cab stopped in front of the house. A short flight of stairs was leading to the front porch.
“Would you like me to wait sir?”
“No, thanks.” The driver had told him William Andley was back in town so Terry immediately figured Candy was living with this mysterious uncle of hers, the one she had been so intent in meeting. He paid the driver and got out from the car. He reached the front door and rang the bell.
**************
Candy woke up, excited and full of anticipation. The previous week had been rich in events. First her decision to go to New York, then, two days later, Archibald had received a telegram informing him that Stear had been discharged from the army and would be sent back home soon. His plane had crashed and he had been badly hurt: broken ribs, broken leg, and second degree burn on his chest but he was now out of harmʼs way and was expected to fully recover. Everybody had been delighted by the news but no one more than Patricia who could not wait for her beloved to return. She was hoping to graduate by the time he got back in order to be able to fully care for him if needed. To that effect, she had immersed herself in her studies.
Candy had spent the week organizing her trip, making arrangements at the clinic with the other nurses. She had also been catching up on sleep and had recovered her appetite. She had taken a good look at herself in the mirror and had been appalled by what she saw. She was extremely skinny, most of her clothes did not fit her properly, and she had to go buy a few new outfits for the trip. She was relieved to see that with clothes the right size, she was pretty decent looking, a bit on the skinny side but not bad at all.
She went in the kitchen where she found Patricia nibbling on a piece of toast, while studying.
“Good morning!” she said gaily.
“Good morning sleepy head! Todayʼs the big day! How do you feel?”
“Mostly impatient and nervous. What if he does not want to see me?”
“Oh, come on Candy! You know he is probably dying to see you as much as you are to see him.”
“I just canʼt help it! Iʼm afraid to be disappointed again like the last time I went…. I donʼt want to get my hopes up in case something goes wrong at the last minute…”
“Well, I sure can see you missing your train if you donʼt hurry up!”
“Gosh, youʼre right!” She grabbed a piece of toast, made herself a cup of tea and quickly went in the bathroom.
She got out twenty minutes later, wearing a green linen dress, a black travel coat and a new pair of shoes Archie had insisted she bought, pointing out her other shoes were too old and definitively not fashionable. She had put half her shoulder length hair in a lose ponytail, ringlets coming out and framing her face. She had some lipstick on, and a touch of blush on her cheeks.
Albert had offered to take her to the train station or to at least send his driver but she had declined. The train station was a fifteen minutes walk from her apartment, she thought it would be nice to exercise a bit before being stuck in a train for hours.
“Iʼm ready!”
Patricia looked up from the book she was reading.
“Candy, you look wonderful!”
“Thank you! Well, time to go. Good bye Patricia. You have the address of the hotel, let me know if Stear gets back while Iʼm gone.”
“Donʼt worry. Good-bye, and good luck!”
Candy hugged her friend, picked up her suitcase and left.
**************
Annie had come by the Andleyʼs mansion, she wanted to go shopping with Archibald. Upon her arrival, she was told by Molly, the maid, that Archibald and Albert had gone riding and were not back yet. She led Annie to the sitting room, by the hallway. Annie sat on the couch, picked up a paper and started reading.
A few minutes later, she heard the door bell.
Molly opened the door and saw a young man, tall and handsome, wearing an impeccably cut brown suit. He looked quite nervous.
“Good morning. Iʼd like to see Miss Candice Andley.” He asked in a soft voice with a heavy British accent.
“Sheʼs not here,” replied the maid shortly. She had never seen this man before and was wondering what kind of friend he must be to come look for Miss Candy here. Obviously not a close one.
“When is she expected back?” he asked hopefully, his heart pounding against his chest.
“I am afraid I am not at liberty to tell you sir.”
“Just my luck,” he thought. “This got to be the most protective maid ever.”
“I am a friend of hers and it is imperative I see her as soon as possible.”
“As I told you she is not here.”
Terry was getting irritated.
“You donʼt understand, I came all the way from New York, I must see her.” His voice grew louder. “What about the Cornwell brothers? Are they here?”
In the sitting room, Annie heard voices. The sound was muffled by the closed door but she thought she could discern a manʼs voice with a British accent.
“It cannot be,” she thought, getting up and opening the sitting room door.
“No, they are not. I am sorry Sir, there is nothing I can do, youʼll have to come back.” Molly was saying.
“What about Mr. Andley? Can I…” Terry started.
“Terry?” Annie was in the doorway, looking at him with eyes big with surprise.
Terry looked at the young girl with short black hair, she looked familiar but he was not quite able to place her.
“Do you know this gentleman Miss Brighton?”
Miss Brighton? “Annie!” he said, relieved to see Candyʼs best friend. She would know for sure where Candy was.
“Yes Molly, heʼs a dear friend of mine. Come on in Terry.”
Terry walked in. Annie was so happy to see him she gave him a hug.
“Terry! What are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to Candy. Where is she?”
Annie looked in a panic at the grandfather clock in the hallway.
“At the train station. Going to New York. Her train leaves in thirty minutes.”
“What?” asked Terry, incredulous.
“She wanted to go and find you.” Annieʼs mind was racing. “You still have time to get to her before the train leaves. Letʼs take Archieʼs car.”
“But…”
“No time to talk now, Iʼll explain in the car. Letʼs go, hurry!” she took his hand and pulled him behind her, hurriedly going down the stairs.
“Drive, Iʼll guide you.”
Terry got behind the wheel and they drove off.
**************
Candy finally arrived at Union Station. It had taken her longer than she thought to get there. She could not feel her feet anymore. Wearing a pair of new shoes had been a very bad idea. The station was crowded. She pushed her way through and arrived at the platform the train was stationed at. She was about to enter the train when she got pushed by a bunch of youngsters playing tag. She fell and her beat up suitcase broke open, spilling its content on the ground.
“Great!” she thought, starting to pick up her belongings.
**************
Meanwhile, Terry was driving as fast as he could, listening to Annieʼs story.
She had decided to omit the most dramatic parts, those were not hers to tell, Candy could share those details with Terry if she chose to.
“What? Albert is William Andley?”
“I know, it takes a while to get use to it! Anyhow, it was Albert who finally convinced Candy to go to New York. Upon hearing that Susanna had moved on with her life, she almost ran right then to the train station! You have no idea how much she missed you and how deep her love for you is.”
Terry felt immensely relieved upon hearing that. He still had been somewhat doubtful about the kind of reception he would receive from Candy.
“I love her Annie, with all my soul. I couldnʼt live without her. When I lost her, the pain I felt was so sharp I thought I could never recover. I didnʼt know what I was going to do. I was scared. So damn scared. Alcohol was my only escape. Alcohol comforted me. I wanted to come back to her so many times… But I never found the strength, I was afraid she would reject me and send me back to Susanna.” Terry declared.
“Terry, you have nothing to fear, trust me. Make a left on Canal Street… Here it is,” said Annie pointing to a massive building fifty feet away. Traffic was stopped about thirty feet from the entrance, by a line of cars, carriages, and cabs, dropping people off.
“You better walk from here, it will be faster, Iʼll drive the car back home.”
Shy Annie Brighton could drive?
Annie saw the astonished look on his face.
“Donʼt worry, I know what Iʼm going, now hurry, you have about five minutes”.
“Thank you Annie.”
“My pleasure, go get her Romeo!”
“Go get her Romeo!? What happened to the timid girl from Saint-Paul?” Wondered Terry while breaking into a run. He entered the train station out of breath and looked at the departure board. The train for New York was leaving from platform 4. One look at the clock indicated he had less than three minutes to find Candy.
He hurriedly got to platform 4. There was a crowd of people. The whole place was extremely noisy with people talking and the sound from the train engine.
He scanned for the blond curls.
“Candy! Candy!” he called, running along the train.
**************
Candy had finished gathering her belonging and was fighting with her suitcase, somehow unable to close it, when she heard her name being called by a voice she had wanted to hear for so long. Not daring to believe it, she quickly stood up. Six feet away from her was Terry!
**************
Terry was becoming nervous. The train was due to leave any minute and he had not found her. He was getting near the end of the train when he stopped in his track. There she was! He first thought he was dreaming but she smiled and he felt his heart skip a beat. She was slender than he remembered, and her hair was different but it was definitively Candy, her freckles and sparkling green eyes.
He had rehearsed what he would tell her but she caught him by surprise and he just stood there, not knowing what to do.
Candy was the first one to move. She ran to him. He received her in a tight embrace.
“Terry… itʼs really you… Terry… What are you doing here?” She was crying.
“Candy… I had to escape… The city was sticky and cruel…. Maybe I should have written to you first but I was dying to get to you … I was dreaming while I rode the train… And now you are finally here in my arms…” He was gently stroking her hair.
The train was leaving and its whistle startled them.
Candy looked up, smiling through her tears.
“I cannot believe this is happening… I was about to leave for New York… to find you…”
Terry was gently wiping her tears away with his fingers.
“Looks like I found you first… And I wonʼt let you go this time.”
“I donʼt intent on going anywhere without you.”
They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, silent, lost in each other gaze.
ʽWell, arenʼt you going to kiss me?” Candy asked, remembering how much she had wanted him to kiss her when he had picked her up at the station in New York, and how saddened she had been when he had not.
Terry was surprised by her boldness. “There had definitively been some changes around there,” he thought.
“Oops, did I say that out loud?” she said, laughing nervously and blushing violently.
“I thought youʼd never ask…” he said, amused.
“Since when do you need me to ask you?”
“Since you hit me…” he said, lifting her chin up and kissing her softly on the lips, a small, chaste kiss.
“Terry…" she whispered, "I love you, I have always loved you,” she whispered in his ear.
“Candy, I love you so much, you have no idea… I need you, I cannot live without you…”
The whole world seemed to disappear around them. They were two lost souls who had finally found each other. They remained locked in an embrace, savoring each other closeness. Candyʼs stomach interrupted them by growling furiously.
“Iʼm hungry!” she declared, smiling.
“At least some things never change…” Terry said jokingly.
“I woke up late and I did not have a chance to eat a proper breakfast,” she explained, slightly embarrassed.
“Thatʼs fine Candy, Iʼm hungry too! Letʼs get out of here.”
He picked up her suitcase and they walked outside the train station. They got into a cab and Terry gave the driver his hotelʼs address.
“They have a restaurant overlooking the lake,” he explained.
“That sounds wonderful.”
They drove in silence, Candyʼs head resting on Terryʼs shoulder.
They arrived. Terry paid for the course and took Candyʼs suitcase to his room while Candy was waiting for him at the restaurant.
“We have a lot to talk about, donʼt we?” Terry said gravely.
The waiter came by and gave them the menus.
“There is no rush Terry.”
“I want you to know everything…The sooner the better… I need to get this all off my chest. I want you to learn it from me. I could not bear for you to hear it from somebody else….” He was getting nervous. He had decided to tell her everything, but he was now afraid she was going to be disappointed in him.
“Candy…Please forgive me. My life has been one huge mess since we parted. I did things I am not proud of. But unfortunately, this is who I am. You are the only one who understands me, who knows the core of me, deep inside, beneath the alcohol, despair, anger and selfishness and knows my loneliness. The only one who really loves me for who I am. Only you have been able to give my life a sense of purpose…. Iʼve tried to keep my promise of being happy without you, but I couldnʼt do it …I just couldnʼt… I fell the lowest I ever did… I had no control over my drinking, I was smoking opium on a regular basis….” He was embarrassed to admit all that and did not dare to look at Candy, he was afraid of what he would see in her eyes. He carried on.
“I could not make Susanna happy, I could not love her, I could not forget about you, about us. So I left her. And started drinking more and more, trying to forget the complete failure my life was… I was so lost…. So miserable… ”
When Terry stopped talking, he finally raised his eyes. Tears were running down Candyʼs lovely face.
“Terry… Donʼt feel bad. I am not ashamed of you… I am not here to judge you. I love you just the way you are. I should be the one to ask for forgiveness because I feel I have caused all this…”
“No, of course no, you did not do anything. It was all my own doing, I let my vices take over… I did not even put up a fight… Compared to you, Iʼm a total wreck…. You are so strong, so mature…”
“Terry… I am not the perfect girl you seem to think I am, I am just pretty good at pretending to be happy with everything when Iʼm screaming inside. I have suffered tremendously since I left you and I blamed myself for it, because I should not have agreed to let you go to her… I so much wanted to be with you… But me and my stupid habit of sacrificing myself for others, always putting othersʼ happiness before mine… I was so much hoping you would run after me, begging me to change my mind… What a fool… How much I hated her… How much I regretted saving her life… You have no idea… For the first time in my life, I was feeling hatred, I did not know what was happening to me, it was such an unknown feeling… I was feeling horrible wishing somebody to be dead but I just could not help it…I became a new person, depressed, full of anger, bitterness, jealousy… A person I was trying to hide from my friends and family but who would always come out when I was alone, in the deep of the night… I thought I was becoming crazy…”
“Oh Candy… Being separated from you drove me insane. I had never been in love before. And losing you like that… It was all so hurtful I canʼt find words to describe how bad it was... I never want to be away from you ever again Freckles.”
She felt full of remorse. To think that she had hurt him so badly when she loved him so much.
“Oh, Terry, I was such an idiot… We should have talked, we would have found a way to make it work, it was so stupid of me to run away like that, without giving you a chance to sort things out… But I wonʼt leave you ever gain, I promised. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
They remained silent for a while, coming to term with all that had been said.
“What happened to her?” Candy finally had to ask. She wanted to know from his mouth.
“I could not stand the life I was living anymore. I was afraid I was going to hurt her. I could not stand to be around her. Everything about her irritated me. I left her all the money I had, as well as the proceeds from the sale of my apartment. As soon as Iʼll be back to work, Iʼll send her money every month. She should not have to worry about money for the rest of her life. From what I heard, she is expected back on stage in September… And is dating John Barrymore, a young Shakespearean actor… She was pretty fast getting over me if you ask me!” he added, hoping to lighten up the conversation.
“Letʼs make a deal. Letʼs never talk about all that ever again, letʼs not mention her name ever again. Letʼs start all new. Hello, my name is Candice White Andley, my friends call me Candy. Nice to meet you sir” she said, extending her hand.
“Terrence Grandchester, but please call me Terry. Itʼs an honor to meet you. You look lovely Miss Andley, I love your freckles,” he said, taking her hand and kissing it softly.
“Really? I thought you did not like them? What about my nose?”
“I loved them since the very first day I met you, same for your nose… Same for the whole you…”
Candy felt herself blush.
“Thank you for joining me for lunch.”
“The pleasure is all mine…”
The food was delicious and they had a great time, making small talk and enjoying each other company. They finished their lunch and came out of the restaurant.
“Iʼm full…” said Candy, rubbing her stomach.
“Not surprising, considering all you ate…” Terry teased her.
“But everything seemed so good! I just had to try the chocolate mouse and the lemon curd pie,” she smiled sheepishly. Her appetite was back with a revenge.
“Hey, I donʼt blame you! I like girls who go for what they want,” he winked. “I know how to make you feel better: letʼs go for a walk around the lake, it will help with your digestion.”
“Good idea,” she said. “But Iʼm not sure we should, looks like it wants to rain”, she said, looking up at the gray clouds that were starting to form.
“Oh, come on, a few drops wonʼt hurt you,” he said, taking hold of her hand and pulling her along with him.
They reached the lake and had been walking for about five minutes when the first drops started to fall.
“I told you we did not have time! We are going to get soak,” she said.
“Itʼs only a few drops, weʼll have time to get to the hotel before the real rain starts to fall,” he said. As he finished his sentence, rain started pouring and they were instantly drenched. They ran back to the hotel and arrived there soaked to the bones, their clothes clinging to their bodies, shivering with cold. They hurried to Terryʼs room.
“Iʼm going to light a fire while you go dry yourself,” Terry said, walking toward the fireplace.
Candy picked up her suitcase and went in the bathroom.
Terry started the fire. A flood of memories came crashing down: the summer in Scotland, the afternoon they had spent in his fatherʼs mansion… Candy came in, barefoot, wearing a lilac dress, a beige cashmere shawl wrapped around her shoulders, her hair down, curlier than ever because of the rain. Terry looked at her, full of admiration and love. The teenage girl from his memory had blossomed into a beautiful young woman.
“Arenʼt you gonna change?” she asked, slightly amused by the look on his face.
“Candy, you are so beautiful… Doesnʼt this bring back memories?”
“Scotland… The fireplace… Your Motherʼs robe…I still have it you know… “
“Do you have any idea how much I wanted to take you in my arms and kiss you back then?”
“Why didnʼt you?”
“I was afraid… And rightly so considering that you slapped me when a few days later I finally managed the courage to do it.”
“I was a fool…”
“No, you were just a kid.”
“A kid who loved you without even knowing it. I was so confused, I could not understand the emotions that were overcoming me every time you were around… And your behavior certainly did not help… I could not figure you out … You were sweet one instant, and obnoxious and mean the next!”
“That would be me alright! Making it harder for me than it has to be…” he said.
“Go change before you catch pneumonia,” she said, looking at him still soaking wet, his shirt sticking to his muscular chest, water drooping from his hair all over the wool rug that was in front of the fireplace.
“If I do, youʼll take care of me, wonʼt you?” he said, walking towards the bathroom.
Candy sat down on the rug, as close to the fire as she could get to. She was frozen. Terry came back, barefoot as well, wearing a half open white shirt over some black slacks.
He sat down next to her on the rug. He realized she was shivering.
“Youʼre still cold?” he asked.
She shook her head yes. He put his arms around her, and she rested her head on his chest. They remained silent for a while.
“All this time I ached for you, every day,” Terry finally said. “There was never a moment I did not think of you in all those months,” he continued. “No matter how intoxicated I was, your presence would not leave me. In the deepest of my desperation, it was your voice I was hearing, your smile I was seeing…. In the end, it was the memory of your smile that kept me from sinking deeper into a misery I could not have escaped from. The hope to see you again gave me the strength to clean myself up… It was the only thing in this world that could keep me from falling apart…I could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide… This fever for you was burning me up inside….”
“Terry, I could not stop thinking about you either…. No matter where I went I heard the beating of our one heart. I thought about you when the night was cold and dark. No one could move me the way that you do, nothing erased the feeling between me and you. I tried to push my love for you in a corner of my heart and forget about it. This love I thought I had no right to claim as my own because you had a moral duty toward another. Oh Terry," she said, burying her face in his chest.
Terry slowly caressed her hair.
“Candy…” He lifted her chin so that he could look at her, losing himself in her green eyes. “I adore you,” he said. He bent his head and kissed her mouth. He pulled away a little, then kissed her again. The touch of his lips on hers was very soft and electrifying at the same time. She answered his kiss passionately, her lips meeting his with fervor. She could feel his breath warm on her face. His tongue met hers, and instead of feeling embarrassed and faintly repelled, she was thrilled to be doing something so intimate. She was astounded by the sensations his kiss awoke in her, sensations she had never experienced before. She felt the need to hold him, to touch his skin and his hair.
They fell on the ground. Terry was kissing her neck, her shoulders, her breasts. Her breathing became irregular. She knew that what she was doing was not reasonable, but the love, the passion that he had aroused in her could not be controlled anymore.
Candy let out a husky grunt when she felt Terryʼs hand going up her dress, caressing her thighs, while unknown sensations invaded her whole body, making her tremble. It was the most delightful feeling she had ever experienced.
They were both breathing hard now. She looked at him. He was flushed and panting, his face shining with desire.
“I love you,” he whispered, burying his face in her golden curls.
“Then love me,” she said urgently.
Terry looked at her surprised. He was afraid he had already gone too far and had been meaning to stop before he did something they might regret later.
Seeing the uncertainty on his face, she added, “I love you, I want to be yours fully… Now… Please…” she begged him.
He picked her up in his arms and dropped her on the bed. He got on top of her and kissed the delicate skin of her throat. She moaned with pleasure. He moved his head lower, opened the top buttons of her dress and brushed his lips over the swell of her breast. His lips closed over one nipple. She felt the heat of his breath on her skin. He kissed her nipple, and although he was as gentle as could be, she felt a sensation of pleasure as sharp as if he had bitten her, and gasped.
He took off her dress and undergarments. Now she was completely naked. She felt extremely self-conscious, but somehow it was a good feeling, delightfully indecent. Terry stared at her, mesmerized.
“You are so beautiful,” he said, taking her hand and slowly kissing it.
He took his own clothes off, Candy unable to take her eyes off him. His body was thin but muscular. She brushed her lips across his chest. Naked against his warm, bare skin, she started to receive his caresses. All thought went out of her mind and she was completely possessed by the feel of his body and her own.
“Donʼt fear anything,” he murmured in her ear.
Candy was breathing faster. She shivered, her eyes growing wider as Terry cautiously slither between her tights. He enveloped her within his arms, drew her nearer, and kissed her cheeks slowly. She could feel the perfume of his breath, his falling locks melting on their lips.
“I love you!” She exclaimed, her words drown in Terry's kisses.
She felt him delicately enter her. It did hurt, much more than she had expected, but only for a moment. He withdrew a little and pushed again, and she pushed back. She smiled at him.
He began to move rhythmically. His constant strokes set up a pulse of pleasure somewhere in her groin. She heard herself give small gasps of excitement. He lowered himself so that his chest was touching her nipples and she could feel his hot breath on her skin. She dug her fingers hard in his back. Her regular gasps turned into cries. Each breath became a complaint of delight. She was amazed at this strange feeling that controlled her mind and her flesh, making her more and more demanding of Terry's caresses as the gentle movements of his body brought her to a level of ecstasy she never suspected existed. He kissed her arched throat, then her breasts, bringing her intense waves of pleasure.
She buried her hands in his long hair and pulled his head to hers. She kissed his lips hard, her tongue enveloping his and moving faster and faster. She felt a great spasm of joy shake her, so violent it was like falling off a tree and hitting the ground. It made her cry out loud. She opened her eyes and looked into his blue eyes and said his name, and then another wave took her, and another, and then she felt his body convulse, and he cried out too.
They were too exhausted to speak or move. Candy could feel Terryʼs weight on top of her, his hips on hers, his chest squashing her soft breasts, his mouth close to her ear, his fingers entwined in her blond curls. A part of her mind thought vaguely: Thatʼs what itʼs supposed to be like, between men and women, thatʼs why everyone makes so much fuss about it. It felt right, just like it should have been long ago. They had wasted too much time.
Terryʼs breathing became light and regular, and his body relaxed until it was completely limp. He was asleep.
She turned her head and kissed his face. She wanted him to stay there, asleep on top of her, forever.
After a moment, Terry woke up. He smiled at her.
“Would you marry me Freckles?”
Candy was so happy that she could not help tears of joy from spilling.
Terry kissed the tears on her cheeks with unbearable tenderness.
“Nothing could make me happier! Yes, Iʼll marry you!”
“Mrs. Terrence Grandchester,” she said dreamily. “Do you know for how long I have wanted to bear this name?”
“Since you met me, of course!” he said, smiling.
“Oh, you! You are so full of yourself!” She threw a pillow at him.
They rolled over, laughing, kissing, and made love again and again till their bodies had nothing left to give.
**************
They decided to get married on Candyʼs eighteenth birthday, May 7, 1916. It would be a simple wedding, at Saint Clement Church, with Albert, Eleanor, Patricia, Archibald, Annie, Tom, Miss Pony, Sister Lane and the children. Candyʼs only regret was that Stear would not be there. But the thought that he was alive and on his way back home warmed her heart.
The weeks preceding the wedding went by like a dream for Candy. She would go straight to Terryʼs hotel after work and get back to her apartment at dawn. They enjoyed those quiet evenings, making plans about their future together.
Albert wanted to give them a house as a wedding present but both of them had refused. They wanted to get something on their own. In the meantime, they would stay in Candyʼs apartment, and Patty would go live at the Andleyʼs.
Terry had expressed the desire to audition with the Chicago American Theater Company. Candy had been delighted about the prospect of staying in Chicago but had also expressed some doubts:
“What about Broadway?” She did not want him to give up on his dream and was worried he was planning on working in Chicago only because he knew how much she loved her job and would hate to leave it.
“Chicago has pretty good theaters, not as prestigious as Broadway but for now, this is what I want… And trust me, I doubt anybody in Broadway would hire me any time soon… I have quite a reputation….Iʼll consider myself lucky if they hire me here,” he said.
The director of the American Theater had trouble believing his luck to have a huge Broadway star wanting to join his cast! He had immediately agreed to hire Terry, knowing fully well that a Broadway star, even a fallen one, would attract legion of people to the play. They were playing Much Ado About Nothing and Terry had obtained the part of Claudio. He was truly ecstatic by the prospect to be acting again.
*************
Terry was waiting for her at the altar. She looked lovingly at him. He was so handsome, with his long brown hair and his sparkling deep blue eyes.
She might have never agree to see him again had it not been for Albert, whom she was holding the arm, and who was giving her away to Terry as it is the custom for fathers to do. He looked genuinely thrilled to see them getting married at last. Albert… Uncle William… She thought about her first meeting with him. She recalled vividly the despair she had felt upon receiving Annie letter informing her she would not write her anymore. He had somehow comforted her and managed to make her smile. And every time she had been feeling down and blue after that, he had always been there for her. She felt truly blessed to have him in her life and was forever thankful for his kindness and wished she could find a way to make it up to him.
She listened to the priest mumbling the wedding prayer. She looked lovingly at Terry, remembering their first meeting on the Mauritania, how he had teased her about her freckles and her nose. He had fallen in love with her right then and there. But he had been unsure as to how to show her… She remembered their talks on Pretend Ponyʼs Hill, the May festival, how she had fallen in love with him without noticing it. She remembered the summer in Scotland, that first kiss, the one she had slapped him for but that had burnt her lips for weeks afterwards and the bitter sweet memory of which she had cherished for years. She remembered their self-imposed separation, that tight embrace they had wished to last forever… And the mess both their lives had become after that. She still regretted the way they had separated, and felt it would haunt her all her life. They had been madly in love but she had turned away, pretending he would be better off with another. It had hurt him deeply, and although he had continued to love her and the wound had healed, it had left a scar. And sometimes she saw that scar, in the way he looked at her, like he was afraid he was in one of his opium induced dream and that he was going to wake up in a sordid opium den, alone. She could not help but wonder if that feeling would go away or if he was going to have to live with it for the rest of his life, of their life together.
She repeated the words after the priest, thinking to herself how beautiful was the promise Till death do us apart.
Terry put a magnificent diamond ring on her finger.
“Iʼve been waiting for this all my life,” she thought.
They looked into each other eyes.
“I love you,” she said.“I always will.”
That was her vow. Short, simple, straight to the point. Then came Terryʼs turn. He had chosen various writings by Shakespeare:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea
My love as deep;
The more I give to thee,
The more I have,
For both are infinite.
Doubt though the stats are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt, I love thee.
I love thee, I love but thee.
With a love that shall not die,
Till the sun grows cold,
And the stars grow old.
Candy smiled a bright smile, the happiest one of her life, looking at him with a gaze full of love. Terryʼs look said You and me, together, forever and Candy thought At last. It felt very peaceful.
